19 Ideas for Portland's Newest Occupants
Let's put America's finest to good use in our fair streets!
September 27, 2025
Dear Secretary Hegseth,
Seems like today’s the day you’ve finally called up the troops here and I’ll say: it’s about time! Like many places in America Portland is a place with a lot of problems and we could certainly use a bit of help. So, a hearty welcome!
I thought you could use a local guide to give you ideas for some things for the troops to do while they’re here. Folks around here don’t love it when transplants move up here without giving back to the community and I’d hate for anyone’s stay to get spoiled by grumpy locals.
So make yourself at home and make yourself useful! I tried to keep it to things y’all actually had jurisdiction over, since I hear the mayor and city council are being real stick-in-the-muds.
Augment TSA staffing at PDX. We’ve dropped to 6th(!) in the “best airport” rankings and hopefully y’all can help us bounce back to first by shortening those lines.
Clear graffiti from interstate signs. It’s incredibly rampant on I-405 right now.1
Deploy teams for Portland Harbor Superfund cleanup. It’s still contaminated from WWII shipbuilding (among other things) and we need to cap (or remove) that sediment.
Expedite VA disability claims processing. The current backlog is 4+ months, I’m told. Pro-tip: the view from the skybridge is divine on a clear day. (Why else would it have 5 stars on Yelp?)
Remove invasive Tree-of-Heaven along highways. They host the spotted lanternfly, a looming agricultural threat here, and early fall is the perfect time to address them.
Nightly light show along the side of the Edith Green federal building. Could be a real boon to downtown foot traffic.
The Edith Green - Wendell Wyatt Building. Imagine this… with LEDs! Picture by PortlandSaint, 2025 Investigate wage theft cases through Department of Labor. Portland has rampant violations in the service industry.
Remove e-scooters from Willamette River. We don’t need the batteries corroding down there!
Improve railroad crossing signals at SE 11th. People are tired of getting stuck down there constantly and our local microsite documenting it is down. 😭
Pair with the Coast Guard to do emergency seismic inspections of all of our bridges. The big one cometh!
Clear the Global Entry interview backlog up by the airport. The wait time for an interview is currently about 1 year!
Accelerate NEPA environmental review for I-5 Bridge replacement options. We’re already 20 years into planning and it doesn’t feel like we’re any closer.
Manually move lampreys upriver at the Bonneville Dam. Credible estimates suggest that only ~50% of these cuddly little guys actually make it through the fish ladders.
Cute! Credit: Fredlyfish4, 2017 Paint the Fremont Bridge. It’s peeling pretty bad.
Enforce FTC’s “click to cancel” rules on every gym and subscription service in town.
Triple the staffing at the Killingsworth post office. It’s the nearest location to my house and it’s legendarily slow. 🫤
Clear trash off the I-205 multi-use path. (While you’re there, would you be so kind as to trim back the blackberry bushes too?)
Actually enforce the remaining sections of the Portland Police Consent Decree that are still active. I’m not a lawyer but I believe that still includes training and use of force. I’m sure you’ve got experience with that.
Military brass band concerts daily on federal courthouse steps. This last one is a bit of a passion project for me. Modest Mouse used to practice in a house off Belmont and you could sometimes hear them in Colonel Summers park. I’m afraid they stopped years ago and, if I’m being honest, we could use a really good rendition of “Float On” right about now.
Thank you for the time hearing me out. We hope you enjoy your stay. I expect you’ll find our brewery and nightlife scene particularly to your liking.
Sincerest Regards,
The entire Mortlandia editorial staff
I recognize that ODOT manages the federal highways but hey, it seems like everyone is playing a little fast and loose with jurisdictions right now so why can’t we?